People define success in dating in different ways. I used to have clients that would have 2-3 first dates a month and 1 second date a month. With the advent of Tinder and other mobile apps, they started have 7-8 first dates a month. They felt very “successful” in their dating and didn’t feel they needed any more coaching. But here’s the rub, they were still only getting 1 second date a month. So while, yes, they were dating more and getting more dates, their “win ratio” of getting a second date plummeted from 33% to 12.5%. To me, this isn’t success. Success is when you get better at what you do.
I know can be easy to get a date, but let’s up your chances of continuing to date that new hottie!
1) Ask positive emotional questions.
This is general advice for anyone, anywhere. How many times have you been asked the questions, “What do you do?”, “Where did you grow up?”, “Where did you go to school?” or “What do you like to do on the weekends?”? Probably hundreds, if not thousands of times. We are all sick of these questions and answer on autopilot. They are extremely logical questions and bring nothing to the table. Every question that can be asked logically can be asked emotionally. You want to bring up happy memories, affect emotion and bond over positivity. Instead of, “Where did you grow up,” try “What is one of your happiest memories from childhood.” Instead of, “What do you do,” ask, “When was the last time your boss praised you”, or “What do you like best about your job?” The only way to answer is with a positive answer. You will hopefully get out of the rut of asking the “dating interview” questions and can move into territory that is much more fun and emotional to talk about.
2) Location, location, location!
Just like anything, location plays a big part of enjoyment. Too often, we as daters do the Dinner or Drinks date. There is nothing inherently wrong with either of these two dates. It’s just that they don’t lend themselves to building chemistry. Everyone always talks about chemistry, but no one realizes that you can set yourself up in the best way to build chemistry. If your date is in a boring place with no music and no vibe, it’s going to be really hard to get those attraction juices flowing. If you are doing the traditional dinner thing, you are seated across from each other, which makes everyone feel like they are on an interview. It doesn’t usually allow touching and being squared off, facing directly at each other can feel both confrontational and vulnerable at the same time. Socrates said, “I can learn more about a man in an hour of play than in a lifetime of conversation.” So go and do activity dates! You want to see how each other responds “in the wild” and you want to build new memories and have fun. Check out these ideas if you’re stumped.
3) Tell the right stories, the right way.
Part of getting to know each other is to tell each other stories about things that have happened to you in your life. “Oh, that reminds me of the time I was on a canal boat in Amsterdam!” We all have decades of stories and experiences to share. With such a glut of information, how do you decide what the right things to talk about are? Really, you want to bring up things that showcase you in the best light. Highlight your best attributes. What personality trait or characteristic do you want others to know about? Are you a great dancer? Loyal? Spontaneous? A budding Master Chef? Anyone can say, “I’m so spontaneous.” Instead of just listing your strengths, tell a story in which your spontaneity or cooking skills come into play. Not only are you learning about each other, but you’re doing it in a way that puts your best foot forward.
When it comes to telling a story, there is definitely an art to it. I think we’ve all had to listen to a story drone on and on and wondered to ourselves, “What is the point of this story?!” So make sure your story has a point. And instead of just talking like a personal essay, try to have a beginning, a middle and an end to your tale. When you tell it, try and make your body language congruent with where you are in the story. As the story unfolds and gets more interesting, speak a little louder, use more gestures, get more animated! This will increase the energy and make them more excited to hear what comes next!
While any date can be a crap shoot, using these tips will help tilt the odds in your favor. May your next first date be your last first date!
Looking to meet some singles? Join me for Jersey City’s hottest Singles Mixer on December 7th at 7PM! Get your tickets now!