Becoming a Mom did not transform me into a calm, patient, earth lady who floats in la la land wearing Birkenstocks, a white flowing dress, and flower crowns in my hair. And it didn’t make me a more organized, power woman who seamlessly juggles work, family, and love without breaking into a sweat every fucking day. 

If this is the kind of Mother you have become, I would love the name of your voodoo doctor and your magic pills because I NEED some.

Let’s face it, ladies: Being a Mom is really hard. Holy shit. And any chance that I get to hang out with my crew, after a few drinks the dirty little secrets come out, and the fun starts.

So in the interest of truth in the circle of trust, let me share some of my dirty little secrets. But DON’T tell anyone!

1.  I am currently hiding from my kids.  That’s right.  They wanted to play hide and seek, so I volunteered to hide first.  And I found a really good hiding spot located just outside the physical structure of my house but not far enough away to warrant a DYFUS investigation for child abandonment. What can I say? I needed to get some work done, and they’re none the wiser.  In fact, it’s kind of genius because they’re having the time of their lives inside working collaboratively to try and find mommy.  Where is this magical hiding place I’ve found?  I can’t divulge all of my secrets!

2.  I told my kids Disney was closed. They’ve been begging me to take them to this godforsaken place for years.   So I lied… I would rather take a shot of Windex then stand in line for hours in the blazing sun for a 15-minute ride. Please don’t cry, I have given this a lot of thought. Trust me for that kind of money; Europe is awesome.

 

3. I cheat when I play board games with my kid. I don’t like playing board games with my five-year-old. My competitive side comes out, and I don’t want to let her win.  When she goes to the bathroom, I secretly move my piece, so I’ll get to go up the candy ladder on my next turn. Tell a story. The silver lining, I’m teaching her how to lose gracefully.

4. I make my kids toys disappear. I loathe toys, especially small ones that I break my neck on every damn day. They sometimes magically “disappear.” When they ask, I feign total ignorance like oh, really you’re missing your f’ing annoying light saber toy that makes lots of noise and drives mommy insane? Hmm. I have no idea where it is.

5. I’m secretly disgusting. Today, I ate an M&M out of my bra. Shh…  and yesterday… or tomorrow I might even eat the goldfish at the bottom of my bag.

6. When I don’t want to share food, I tell my kids it’s spicy. As soon as the bag starts crumbling, they come running like a dog in heat.

7. I bribe my kids ALL the time. I use candy…shitloads of candy. What, you don’t want to make mommy a martini? I’ll give you an ice cream sundae.  

8. I’d trade my husband for a housekeeper in a hot minute

AND LASTLY…

9. I secretly love pop music. Tell what some of your faves are? Are you a belieber? Does he make your privates tingle?